Faith Challenges

Honestly I do not have multiple personality disorder. My posts here would have you imagining otherwise because I jump from the totally superficial (read nail polish) to philosophical rants to experiments in  homemaking to professions of my love for Christ. 

A new challenge I am facing this year is my desire to be introverted to the extreme. I like going to church and serving and having fellowship but getting to that point requires a discipline that I am not familiar with using. I'd rather curl up on the couch and live stream service from my phone on Sunday morning, worship alone, and am not serving for a number of a reasons. It bothers me that I want to be like this. 

I know my relationship with the Lord is being strained because I am not giving of my time like I have been in the past. However I have a hesitation to compare myself to "how I was in the past". The ambiguous past had different circumstances. I had no responsibilities as a wife, no job, a flexible schedule. It would not physically be possible hold myself to such a schedule and commitment. That leaves me with a struggle to find the appropriate ruler to measure my progress. 

It's funny, comparing myself to my husband who is an extrovert when he goes into the social media world he cares how many people are paying him attention, what peoples opinions are, and the general reaction to his his information. I blog, facebook, and pinterest but comments and pageviews while nice are not motivating me. I am motivated by the desire to express myself and if no one paid one iota of attention that would be fine. For me it's the craft of writing, designing, thinking, and learning that entice me, the audience is just a side dish to the main course. (Not the dessert, the dessert is those completed projects with tangible results).

I would also like to note people are not the problem. I like to help people, I care deeply for my neighbors near and far, and praying for others is fulfilling and natural. However, I don't admire most people and because of that I also don't want to be around them 

So my prayer in this time is that God would allow vibrant, personal relationships to permeate my life. I am very thankful for my close friends that I go on wild and crazy adventures with but also let me be when I'm in such a closed off state. 

------Update: God answers prayer because last night He gave me an opportunity to be principled and connect with my friends. Score. Keep it up.